You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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