I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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