Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
