this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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