Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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