I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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