life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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