he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
