ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
