i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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