Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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