In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
