I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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