she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
