i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
