you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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