Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
