When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
