first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
