She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
