I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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