If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
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You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
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I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize