I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
