I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
