I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Dignity is for republicans.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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