i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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