Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
