Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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