i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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