I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
