textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
