cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
