I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
