I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
