Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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