i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
