Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
