Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
