I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
