i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
