I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
