I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
