I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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