Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm bleeding and have questions
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
