yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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