we're chasing vodka with high fives
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
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he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize