Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
