im drinking this country out of the recession.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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