All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
