My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
