I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Pooping to opera.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
