Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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