I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
