i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
