I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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