Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
