i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
