and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
