i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
