My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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