Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
