i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
